my family across the causeway

i just found out today that another of my malaysian relatives is dead.

i am very upset. he is my great grand uncle, and he was more than a hundred years old, but he was still very lively and vibrant, and could remember everyone whenever we or he came to visit. the only problem for me was that he had lost so many teeth, and that i was never good at his brand of malay to start with, so i never really could have a conversation with him.

this is the third death i have come to know of recently. maybe two years ago, i found out that a my favourite granduncle died. it wasnt so surprising. he was a dibetic, and his health was pretty damn awful. he had to go to the hospital and have operations and stuff since i was a little girl. but he was my favourite granduncle and i was so upset that he died, and so upset that i didnt even know about it for about a year after he was buried.

and then i started pushing for a malaysia trip. i wanted to visit all my relatives in malaysia before it was too late. they're all old now, all of them are my grandma's friends. i used to visit them so often while i lived with my grandma, and i was shocked that my siblings dont even know some of them. i wanted to visit them again cos i miss them so terribly, and because i know they'll be happy to see the family again. i want to pay respects to my elders. i want to be with them again. i miss them.

the june trip never happened, and some time later another granduncle died. i was never that close with him, but he was a figure. you know how people only know the president very distantly, but when he dies the nation goes into mourning? that's how it felt like. i dont know him very well, i never snuggled up to him or anything, but he was my grandma's borther, and we'd visit him every now and again when i was smaller. and i'd play in the house with all those endless cousins i had, and we'd chase each other up and down, and he's stand at the doorway and laugh to see us play. and every now and then the ice-cream man would come, and he would call everyone down and get us ice-creams. and he was a funny old man. he would tell us silly stories, and point out the neighbour's pet monkey, and point out the beehive in the garage... and he was always smiling. he was a funny old man, always in his songkok and his sarong and his sleeveless tee, with the green money pouch round his waist and his juge spectacles on his nose, walking around with his wooden cane..

with two major figures gone, suddenly the malaysia trip didnt feel so exciting anymore. i mean, 80% of the reason i wanted to go was to hang out with them again. and it would be a bit odd without them cos i dont know the rest so well. but still, their wives were alive, and i wanted to see my grandaunts too. wan cik and wan ucu, and wan ulong. and the cousins i grew up with. and i was-- am-- despreate to visit them before the older generation dies and the younger generation become strangers to each other.

i cant think of anything more sad; that i would not even know my own family.

so i still pushed for a malaysia trip in the december holidays. i still wanted to renew the ties with my family, MY family, the family i *grew up knowing* but has become strange to me. but it didnt happen. again.

and now, before the june vacation is here, i hear that another major figure is dead. and i dont get it. doesnt anyone but me get a sense of urgency from it? doesnt anyone realise how important, and how *urgent* this is? that we just dont have any *time*? i dont KNOW the people of my parents' generation, only that of my grandparents's and great grandparents's generation, and these people are old. they may be sick. they may be dying. they may grow senile. they dont have much time left. i want to meet them again before ANY of that happens, and hug them again, and tell them i love them and make them smile while i still can. i love those people in malaysia. and i dont want our singapore families to be severed from our malaysian families.

but i'm starting to give up hope. my dad's never going to get off his ass and drive the family there. and my siblings are never going to meet their grandaunts across the causeway. and my mom doesnt want to go anyway, why should she, they're not *her* family. god, i hate it! valar, this is just so damn WRONG!!!!