i had a dream last night. i was in this huge colonial house with a garden... it was huge. the garden, i mean. it was so large, and it was grass and trees and ferns and bushes... like a kampong house. i've been to the kampong before, and it's like those houses. i couldnt even see the next house from where i stood in the kitchen.

i was standing in the door because i heard a noise in the garden. two animals had somehow managed to come breach the fences and were being mauled by our dogs. there were so many of them. the dogs, i mean. maybe five in all. all large, brown shorthairs... the type that ang mohs like to keep in their holland village terraces.

the attacked were making such awful sounds that i had to help them. i wouldnt bear to watch them being torn apart. they were both cat-like... one was large, like a baby panther... and the other was a domestic cat. the common white-with-brown-patches kind. and the dogs, those damn dogs were mauling them.

i saw one of the animals, the cat, hold somthing in it's mouth, and it was the one the dogs were attacking most ferociously. it was a pink plastic bag, and it held something.i suddenly had a sense that the cat-figures were messengers, probably sent by my grandma through my grand aunt, and that what it carried was something it was bringing to me. and then i realised the dogs didnt know that, and were probably attacking them as theives. the dogs thought they were trying to take something out. what was really happening was that they were trying to bring something to me.

i was horrified. i screamed out for them to stop, but they didnt. the panther, who wasnt holding anything, wasnt being attacked so bad. but the cat was fighting them. it screamed and cried as it was torn apart but it never let go of the bag in it's mouth. it clung on to the bag in it's mouth. to the bag it was entrusted to deliver to me.

i ran out to try to stop them, but the dogs were in such a frenzy that i got scared. i was afraid that in their madness they might attack me. so i called out to them to stop, but they didnt listen to me. they only listen to my housemate and her mother, and i was the only one at home.

i was crying and the two animals were screaming so bad. i tried to put on her accent and imitate her, and call out to the dogs in her voice, but still they didnt listen. and then i got suddenly scared cos i realised that i was not in the house anymore. i had run out into the garden, and what if the dogs dont recognise me and thought i was another intruder? there was nobody at home. if they attacked me i'd die.

i was frozen for a second, terrified, then the fear grew bigger and snapped me out of my daze. i looked around for help and nobody was there. i saw that the dogs had not yet noticed me, or if they had they were ignoring me.

i turned back and ran back into the house, and all the time i was running up the steps i was scared one of them would leap on me from behind. but i got back to the house safely, and i wanted to slam the gate shut, but the dogs were comming towards me now, and i was too afraid to move. i thought if i kept still then maybe they wouldnt attack me.

they came closer, and trotted up the steps, and then laid the other two animals on the doorstep. i dont remember all of them. i was fixed on the dog who carried the cat in it's mouth. i could see his teeth pierce it's flesh. he laid the cat down on the doorstep, sniffed it a litte, then blinked at me and whined.

he wanted aknowlegement. he thought he had been doing something good. he thought he had been defending the house from invaders. my heart ached for the dog. he didnt know he had just killed the messanger who had brought me a gift.

when i didnt do anything, he whined, sniffed at the cat again and trotted off. what could i do? commend him for being so brave when he had killed something so dear to me? scold him when he thought he was protecting the area? what could i do?

after he left, the cat with the pastic bag stirred. i had thought it was dead but it wasnt. it looked up weakly, and up close i could see it was really a kitten. one of it's eyes was ruined where the dog's teeth had bitten into it, and it's fur was matted and covered with blood. the other messenger was also a bloody mess. it was sprawled on its side, unmoving. i didnt know if it was still alive.

the kitten nosed and prodded the bag, then looked up at me with it's one remaining eye and blinked mournfully. it looked like it wanted to get to something in the bag. careful not to scare it, i moved slowly and took the bag from it and untied the knot. there were peanuts inside.

i cracked one and are it. and then i remembered that the kitten had looked as if it wanted some of the food. it was hungry. i cracked another nut and held it out. the kitten blinked at me as if it were afraid i would hurt it. it was such an angel. it looked like one of those Precious Moments cartoons, but it had been hurt so bad. i remember crying for it, crying for it's pain, and crying for it's innocence lost.

i cried and crooned to it, and spoke softly to it, and it came up to me. it broke my heart that it still dared to trust after it had been hurt so bad. but looking at it, it couldnt help *but* trust. it was in it's nature to love and to trust. in it's innocence, it couldnt not.

it ate from my hand, but it was scared and weak and hungry, and it trembled. i felt it's teeth tear into my skin but i didnt pull back. what's a little pain if it's in the love of one who had suffered so much? it was so heartwrenching, that this small, frail thing was eating out of my hand in complete trust, whereas the bigger of the two was dead. i fed it a few nuts, and by the time it had stilled itself enough to regain controll of it's teeth, my hands were scarred and bloodied. it looked up at me in apology, and then i understood that it didnt want the nuts themselves. all it wanted was the nut shells. it would not have me give it any more of my food. it would only take what i did not need.

and then i woke up.