i had a dream last night. oh, i know i havent been updating this page of my blog much, but that doesnt mean i havent been blogging. i've been blogging as Haldir in my haldir blog... like, a sort of roleplay thing, but when i blog as him i use up anything i might want to say in this blog so *shrugs*. if i were to blog here as well every time i haldirblog then it'll just be the same thing written in a different writing style.

and do update my writing pages. not much, mostly under the msn madness section, but i do update it.

and i have a personal blog, not this blog but a different blog, and i write all the really private stuff there... stuff i dont want anyone to know. stuff which i cant let anyone know. really, really private stuff, like a diary, except that it's not.

i have dual faces. i just realise it now. i have two sim cards. i have two families. i have two blogs. i have two of almost everything, one which i use often, the worn, common, public one, and one which i keep for myself, something truly mine. a public face and a private face. public thoughts and private thoughts. public expressions and private desires.

sometimes i think i show so many dual faces i am afraid what might happen if the dual faces merge, and the masks get rubbed away. what if someone who knew my private thoughts met with someone who knew my public thoughts... and the mask gets rubbed away... what will they see? what is there left? what will i see?

maybe it would run togethere and slide off, like crude oil to expose the naked skin underneath, so different, so odd. maybe someone would scream at the difference. maybe that someone would be me. maybe i would scream at how unrecognizable i am, even to myself, when all the crude gunk is washed off. my mother would scream, she does not know my true face. my grandmother would be quiet and sad, and wonder where she went wrong. my sister would think me cool. and me..? i would scream too, and cry, and claw at my face, not believeing, not wanting to believe that this is my true face.

but what is a true face anyway? the face beneath the oil isnt the face that i wear anyway. who is to say that is me, when it is nothing like how i know myself to be? but even as i say this i know it is a lie. the gunk isnt me. it's gunk. it's gunk i wish to be free off but dare not throw away, not for others, not for myself.