hey y'all.

go and read this fic. it's called Darthol i Aur : Enduring the Sunlight by Orchyd Constyne. i havent checked, but it should be archived at her personal website, http://www.hithanaur.net/. alternately, you can go to melethryn.net and search for it, tho i cant promise the melethryn webmistress has put the completed piece up yet.

it's a 12 part series, about glorfindel and erestor, set in the time before celebrian sailed off. in the fic, she and elrond are still very much lord and lady, and the four of them, elrond, celebrian, elladan and elrohir are the very picture of a happy family. arwen doesnt get any mention. i think she hasnt been born yet.

it's a romance, pure and simple. eresor has a dark secret, and glorfindel eventually finds out. the eldar is then forced to come to terms with it or risk loosing erestor's friendship forever. he chooses to remain true, and love develops.

but in case you think it's just any old fluffy love story, think again. the characters were very rich, and the histories and plot well spun. the characters come alive.

but for those like myself who are suckers for happy endings, please take note. the epilogue is heartbreaking. no, the happy couple arent seperated, so dont worry your head about that. Just... if you want to have a rosy, unblemished throughly hollywood-style happy ending, skip the epilogue and stop at chapter 11, where the actual plot draws to a close anyway. if you want a more drama, intrinsic lotr feel to it, read the epilogue. just... get some tissues ready... just in case.

hey y'all.

i went to this talk last night by Robert G Allen. was kinda cool. i mean, i learnt a lot about myself. pretty amazing, considering i've been to that talk before. well, maybe not *that* exact same talk. it was practically the same tho, in terms of content and all. even a lot of the slides were the same. it was supposed to be the same talk for differnt audience, but it's amazing how much i still got out of it.

last night i learnt two very important things about myself. mainly that i have a 'malay housewife' mentality.

there was one instance when he was giving away some not-real american notes, just as a mental exercise to see who would be willing to come up and make themselves silly. so he held out a note at a time, and people who wanted could go up and get them. and i was one of them out there, really i was. but see, the thing is that i was there, right under his nose, and i didnt demand. i did the 'polite' thing to do. it's like boarding a bus and you give way to the impatient people who are shoving. so i step back and do what's right.

thing is, by the time he got to me he had run out. and i felt so angry at myself. what i didnt want was to deprive someone else of the note, so i gave way to the shovers. but i was the first person note-less. if only he had one extra note, it would have been mine... unless another shoverer came up and snatched the oppertunity away. if only i had demanded. not shoved, that would have been inethical, but demanded.

i tend to give way to shoveres on busses. i tend to not like that i do. what i didnt realise was that i did that with everything. and what i realise now is that i dont have to give way to shovers. i dont have to be one of them, but i dont have to let them walk over me.

i was very dissapointed. i was so close. it's when something is just so close, that you know if only you just stretched a bit harder it would be in your grasp. i should be more demanding. i'm terrified of being demanding. i've been conditioned to think that it's wrong, and that we should be content with what little we have.

another thing i learnt about myself was that as and when a superb oppertunity opens itself up for me, my first thought is of disappointment. not that i am afraid of it. i just feel it. i dont let myself hope, and i immediately resign myself to watching the oppertunity slip by. ie: i have failed even before i have begun. i never even give myself a chance to try, cos i already have the mindset that thinks "i'm not worth it. it wont come to me. so why bother."

i need to work on that.

on the other hand, i have imporved a lot in terms of being me. at both of the sessions, he asked us to imagine out dream house and took us step by step thru the mental exercise. and the last time, i imagined my dream house to be this huge white mansion up north in the middle of nowhere, so beautiful, so grand. but as we went thru it, i realised that the house wasnt mine. that i was just doing a mental simulation of what i imagine to be big E's house. and the image got stronger and stronger, and by the time i was at the porch, i *was* big E. and by the time i got into the kitchen, i could see H in it, cooking spaghetti for big E cos he thought it'd be cute.

and i just wept. i tried to erase the characters and put myself in there, but i couldnt. in the end i tried it like one of those RPG sorta game, where you can see the character in front of you, but you know you're the one driving it. it was the only way i could get any semblance of me-ness into the simulation. and even then, what struck me was the sheer defening silence. it was horrifying actually. without the characters, the house was oppressively silent, the sorta silence worse than death. it was the silence that spoke of a life without life at all.

last night was different. when he asked us to imagine out dream home, i thought of that fantasy house that's been with me since i was a kid. it's the closest i could get to a dream home, cos i hardly think of that. i hardly think of whaat i want in a dream home, and what i think of changes.

but last night i settled on an image from my younger days. and i realised that i have it in my head, every single detail. and that it's mine.

it's one of the old HDB flats with a common corridorr. from the outside it's a simple three room apartment, complete with the yellow grill and door and round metal doornob and the silver-on-black door plate. and i open the door, and the first thing that greets me is the fuzzy red dimness. the curtains are drawn to give it a dim, relaxed feel, just the way i like it, and everything in the room is bright and vibrant. the walls are painted woody red. there is a bright red wooden display cabinet, and beside it is a wooden giraffe, the sort you get at safari gift shops. it's distinctively african in style, a handicraft. beside it is that australian long instrument.... i cant remember what it's called. digeridoo? sounds like that. i'm sure as hell it's not spelt like that. the display cabinet has little yellow spotlights in it.

there are red and pink and orange scatter cushions on an animal print carpet, and a fluffy black leather couch. the opposite wall is painted green, with a mural on it. it's a mural of a jungle scene, with lions and tigers and pumas and other big cats worked into it, hiding betweent the leaves and all.

the kitchen is an aquarium theme. it's blue, the walls are a beautiful rich blue, and across the left wall there's a large painting of a whale, swimming in a curve fashion. in the kitchen i am underwater. even the lights are blue. the kitchen is bright, and full of energy, tho it's a calming energy. the hall is dim and dark, and cozy and comfortable, it's a sanctuary.

my bedroom is to the left of the house. i have a four post bed, with lacy trimmed bedcovers. the bedpost is mahagony. my covers are soft, that colour that falls between yellow and beige... not quite strong enough to be yellow, but not quite dulled enough to be beige. there is pretty netting hanging around the bedposts, and as curtains. this room is light and carefree. this room is light.

i have a chandelier in my bedroom. it's simple and hanging from the centre of my ceiling. my ceiling itself has a mural on it as well. it's a soft-michaelangelo sort of style... like mikie's, but softer, and it's got two cherubins with their hands on their chins, as if they were leaning against the base of the chandelier. there are billowy clouds in the background, a soft, browny, beigy, yellowy sort, the kind you get in old painitngs.

the hall is funky and adventurous, tho the dimness makes it safe. the kitchen is water; calm and clensing and serene. and my bedroom is joyous light.

i never really thought about the other room. surely there is another room, a second bedroom, a guest bedroom. that's the way the floor plans for these sorta houses work. but i dont think i ever managed to come up with something for it. i think i did, once, a long time ago, but i didnt work it out to my satisfaction, so i let it rest. it felt then like i couldnt add to that room without subtracting from what i already had, so i let it lie until a day i found something i knew i wanted came along. or until i discovered something suitable.

hey man!

fazy's back with a new story. it's another one from the msn series, this time called sexual fantasies. it's about elrond and haldir, as usual. in this fic, haldir reads a fic called possessions and likes it. hehe. problem? it's a bdsm fic, and big E doesnt quite approve. they then sit down for a sweet trust session... E talks a bit about his past, and then H persuades him to speak about his sexual fantasy. thus the title.

Ai, Elbereth, I am sick in the head.

oh, and do you guys think i should put in a sort of 'glossary' at the end of the fic? i mean, cos it's only extrememly basic elvish like 'melethron' and 'melethnin' and 'lirimaer', i think that's about it, am not sure... dont think i used 'hir-nin'. hm. basic. i picked it up from reading fics, not like i sat down to learn or anything... :D

i also spent some time uploading some of my poems to the poetry page, and some of my mag articles to the mag page. all the articles in the mag page so far are the ones that have been published in The Ridge... except for A Question Of Motivation, which i've submitted for the upcomming publication. Go Me! heheh.

hey, yall.

am tired and aching after yesterday's dance practice. wah, buay tahan. i came back late, past eleven, and i was so tired i stopped by Mac's for takeout and ate on the way back.

pretty embaressing actually. i was so short of breath after the practice, and walking so slowly... like an invalid. oh dear. i really dont feel like continuing with dance if that's the way it's going to go from now on. i mean, i want to, but i'm not sure i can take it. i'm almost positive it's not good for my body.

my body's pretty wierd. you know on nip/tuck and Oprah and stuff, people talk about not liking their bodies, and wanting to change the way they look and stuff? you know, bigger boobs, flatter tummy, less lines, shapelier hips, toned calves, that sort of thing.

well, i'd like to change something about my body too, and it's not my appearance. i love my appearance. i love the way i look most of the time, even the queer stuff about me. i'm a bit cross eyed, but i think minor cross-eyedness is kinda cute. i have a mole on my face, but it's pretty and unique. i have an elephant's butt, and yeah, it's inconvenient to shop for skirts cos most local girls are built like planks and the shops cater to them, but it's fun to have a figure when your friends dont. ;P

but i have a lot of problems with my body. my bone structure is a bit off, so there are some things i cant do with my legs. i cant hold them flat against my chest, not cos i'm not flexible enough but cos i can literally feel the bones grining into each other.

and i've twisted both my ankles before, so they're bent slightly out of position, and sometimes my right ankle gives me problems simply beause it's out of position when i'm at rest. either way, my ankles dont support me well, and i get really terrible foot cramps really easily.

i will gladly work to build my stamina, and my flexibility, but i do worry what my dance is doing to my body. i'm not sure if it's good for me. i know if i talk it over with my massage therapist she'll advice against continuing, but honestly, i love malay dance. if only i could learn it at my own pace, i dont mind if i cant perform, i just want to learn it.

you know, i just realised it, and it's so funny, but it seems that people in the fandom write fanfiction as birthday presents. lol! i never thought about it until today, when i read two fics that were written as birthday presents and sent my pen pal a fic for her birthday today.

heh. yeah, well, no huge bits of enlightenment there. just... something interesting. come to think of it, a *lot* of good fics start out as a present to someone else. heh. oh yeah, and here's a really preddie pic of Soulshadow. she keeps saying she doesnt like to pose for the camera and that she's not photogenic, but that's bull. vicky'll tell you. *grinz*



and go watch Troy. it's amazing.

hey, hey, hey!!!

i got my school results yesterday... was better than expected. i got a bunch of Bs and one C+, and i managed to mantain my C.A.P, so that's cool. especially since i thought it would suck big time. i was such a wreck this past acedemic semester i was afraid i'd get all Cs. in fact, i was even calculating my CAP to see if i can still make it if i get all Cs. talk about low self esteem, huh. :P

but i'm actually quite happy with my cap. at the moment lah. once i get back to school and everyone starts comparing caps i'm gonna be so screwed, cos it's just my luck that i have really smart friends, it doesnt matter that my cap is still good, and actually above average. i know people scoring 4.9 and whining about it being lower than expected. *waves fist at Smart People*

yay. at long last i am happy with my blog. time to start publicising! lol! it's preddie!!!! and i've got some really nice pictures at bottom! still not complete yet. i havent uploaded any more stories from this morning, and i still have a number of pics i wanna post, but it's *preddie*!!!

look at the preddie picture i did for my yugioh page! too bad it doesnt seem to show up in the website. i just cant think what i did wrong! i mean, the template looks okay, but the picture still wont show! :(



does anyone know how to change the layout so that the picture on top is a different picture?

phew! finally! yay! most of the links are actually up and running! ARRRGH! it's 2.58pm and i still havent had breakfast, i've been up doing my blog since the break of day... literally... i was up since dawn. hehe.

anyway. all the links on the right hand navigation bar now take you somewhere. and many of my fics are actually up, so you can access them from the website. i still have the non-fiction stuff to upload, and that may take awhile yet. plus, i have yet to upload WDHI to the lotr site and KIQ to the YGO site. haiz.

never mind lah. will do that after lunch. quite good for a newbie. okay, okay, this is my third attempt at building a page so i'm not really a newbie. plus this is cheating a bit using a blog page and blog skins taken off blogskins.com, but still... last night was the first time i ever laid eyes on those wierd little letter programming, and by right now i can actually tweak it enough to customise it... hey, i think i deserve a pat on the back. heh.

yay!

fazy finally got herself a blog.

that said, her blogging is driving her nuts cos she cant seem to post something on one of the pages. it's my Life fic, and i love it so much. only i think it's too big a post or something, and gah, it's either that the template goes all wahooni on me when i post it (nothing appears on the blogpage!) or the words dont all come out. *haiz*

will try to work on it some more. grrr... shakes fist at her completely non-existant computing skills. bah. humbug.